We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
