I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
