remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Pants are for mortals
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
