that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
