and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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