I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
