what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
