If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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