So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
