I'm really into asian looking animals
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
