I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
