We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
