Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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