You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
