the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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