I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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