I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
