After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
