census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
