when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
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I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
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Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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