Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
