youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
