This house was built for laser tag.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
