he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Your topless pictures make me question reality
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
