I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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