I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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