I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
