It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
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We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
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you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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