i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
