Hey man sorry I got all grabby
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
