just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
