Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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