The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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