we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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