Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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