Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
