No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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