Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
