I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
