dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
