dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
