I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
