She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
