He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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