The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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