They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
