My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
