I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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