i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
