I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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