i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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