Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
