is your mom at the bar?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
