He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
