No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
