me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
