thus making me awesome and them whores
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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