i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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