Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
